The entire history of human expression, slightly abridged
TDC390: Write a story that uses all of the ingredients listed in your favorite canned or boxed food.
Carr’s Table Water Crackers, written by Aaron Sorkin and directed by Tommy Schlamme
Toasted Sesame Seeds: Have another cupcake.
Salt: Oh, very funny.
Toasted Sesame Seeds: Don’t tell him.
Salt: Really? We’re going to have this whole conversation again.
Toasted Sesame Seeds: If you tell him, it’s going to ruin his whole trip to Cedar Point.
Salt: I can’t believe we’re having the conversation again.
Wheat Flour [entering]: What’s the problem?
Salt: Sammy thinks we shouldn’t tell Palm Oil because it will ruin his trip to Cedar Point.
Enriched Wheat Flour: Sammy—
Sammy: Wheat, I don’t want to hear—
Wheat: You’ve got to tell him.
Salt: Thank you.
Sammy: Wheat, he’s been planning this trip all summer—
Wheat: It doesn’t matter, Sammy.
Sammy: He and his friends saved up all their money, it’s not cheap there, you know.
Salt: Here we go.
Sammy: They need gas, they need admission tickets, they need money for gogurts—
Wheat: What’s gogurts?
Salt: It’s a snack, a tube filled with flavored yogurt.
Salt: You take it when you go. Gogurt.
Wheat: I’m not sure the plural of gogurt is gogurts.
Salt: My vote is for gogi.
Wheat: Not gogeese?
[Ferrous Sulfate and Niacin enter; Niacin drops a stack of papers on a desk]
Niacin: Thank god we’re finally finished with the Thiamin Mononitrate case.
Ferrous Sulfate: What are you guys talking about?
Wheat: The thing with Palm Oil.
Ferrous Sulfate: There’s a thing with Palm Oil?
Niacin: You don’t know about thing with Palm Oil?
Niacin: Even I know about the thing with Palm Oil!
Salt: This whole thing, with Palm Oil, is of a magnitude so much greater than a trip to Cedar Point that it is a sin not to tell him right now. He needs to know.
Sammy: Which sin?
Salt [floundering]: Sloth.
Sammy: It’s a lie of omission, Salty—
Salty: A lie of omission so big and so life-defining that it leaves you no room to get self-righteous about your innocence in conspiring to keep him ignorant of his own history. You have to tell Palm Oil about his parents.
Palm Oil [standing in the open doorway with a boogie board under one arm, having snuck up on the conversation]: What about my parents?
[Salty watches to see if Sammy will say it; when it becomes clear that Sammy will not, Salty steps forward to speak]
Salty: Palm Oil…You’re adopted.
Palm Oil: I know.
Salty [shocked]: You know?
Palm Oil: Yeah. I’ll see you guys later, going to Cedar Point.
[Palm Oil exits]
Sammy: That went well.
Salty: You…he knows? I mean, knew?
Sammy [slapping Salty on the shoulder]: Don’t forget about addendum on the Roboflavin v. Folic Acid brief.
[Sammy, Niacin, Wheaty all exit]
Ferrous Sulfate: You mean even Palm Oil knew the thing about Palm Oil? I was the only one who works here who didn’t know the thing about Palm Oil?
Salty: God, I need a cupcake.